onsdag 5. august 2009


Gay guy: You know what's so cute, is Europe.

Mother: Do you need to buy some condoms?
Daughter: What? No, I am not talking about condoms with my mom. This will not happen. (mother drifts over to the condom shelf)
Daughter: No, no, no, no! What are you doing! Stop it! Stop it now! Oh god, you're actually considering the brands! Why are you... this is murder! You're killing me. You are actually killing me! I am going to die, and it will be all your fault!

Gay guy: Where are we going?
Straight girl: Nowhere Bar. Have you been there before?
Gay guy: I don't think so. Oh no! Wait! Someone blew me there in college!
Straight girl: For the last effing time, I do not need to hear these things about my big brother!

Asian girl: He's the kind of guy who sits at home drinking beer, plotting ways to date his cousins.
Friend: Well, maybe that's acceptable where he comes from. Isn't he from another country?
Asian girl: Jersey.

Child: I turned on the channel and then mommy started yelling "no, no, turn it off!"
Mother: She found a porn channel.
Child: I liked it, because everyone was kissing.

Old lady, after being knocked down by man on bike: You know what... Go to hell! (giggles to herself) I haven't said that in a looong time.

Six-year-old girl walking up some wet slippery steps: If I slip, I'm gonna sue.

Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend:
I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!

Elderly woman, complaining to physical therapist: I keep walkin' like I'm drunk (pause) Cause I am drunk.

Father of four, attempting herd jumping children on street: Okay, the next child that doesn't listen to me will be sold!

Guy: So I fucked her on a bench, but I didn't finish, because I kept telling her about my girlfriend and how much I love her. So she got pissed of and took a taxi home to her parents.

Bible thumper: I love you all... even you, sir.
Man: I hate you.

Girl: So, my dad friended me on Facebook the other day, and I was like "shiiit! Limit profile view!"
Guy #1: Are there that many incriminating things on your profile?
Girl: Not really.
Guy #2: So dad's not going to be attending Diane's "get drunk and dance" party?

Old creepy guy:
You're a pretty lady.
Random lady, walking by: Thanks
Old creep guy: I should kidnap you

Drunk girl to random sober guy: Bacon! My hands are like bacon!
Sober guy: What are you, drunk?
Drunk girl: Just very, very, very hungry.
Sober guy: Proceed.

College guy, running away: I wasn't cheating! That's how you play hide-and-seek!
Girl, running after him with baseball bat: You can't hide home base!

Adorable seven-year-old kid on bike:
She liked it. Ashley liked it. Ashley's a whore.

Guy: That's the new American dream--fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show.

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