New York I love you, but you're bringing me down

White girlfriend to Asian boyfriend intentionally blocking the door: What are you, 12 years old?
Asian boyfriend: Only from the waist down.

American law student girl: So, you know, in Spain, why is there a beeping sound when the traffic signals change?
English barman: That's so that blind people know when the traffic has stopped.
American law student girl: Oh my god! You let blind people drive?

Old lady to another: She would do anything for a marshmallow!

Elderly southern woman: Seems to me there are a lot of blacks here.
Half deaf elderly husband: What?
Elderly southern woman: Blacks!

Man, carrying two hands full of knives: Knives for sale! Knives for sale! 100 dollars! Getting tired of your brother, your cousin, your mother-in-law? Knives for sale! You feeling suicidal? Knives! Knives for sale! 100 dollars!

Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.

Drunk girl: I think I am sexually attracted to fire.
Sober girl: Yeah...let me know how that goes.
Drunk girl: It burns, but I gotta admit I love the smell of burning pubic hair in the morning.

Angry mom holding to seven-year-old daughter: It's fucking hot!
Seven-year-old daughter: It's okay, mom. It'll be okay.

Girl #1: He is such a creep.
Girl #2: I know! Isn't he cute?

Old man: So where are you from?
Barber: Russia.
Old man: Oh yes, they have a lot of money there in Russia.
Barber: No, very poor.
Old man: Where in Russia are you from?
Barber: Uzbekistan.
Old man: Oh! So you're from the boondocks? Your country would be like the boondocks to Russia.
Barber: I lived in a city.
Old man: A city? You mean you didn't grow up on a farm?
Barber: No.
Old man: You didn't have livestock?
Barber: Yes. We had pigs and chickens.
Old man: Pigs are great. But pig urine smells awful. And chickens are stupid. They will lie back with their mouths open and drown in a rainstorm.
Barber: Yes, chickens are stupid. I named them after my sisters.

Wife with baby in stroller: Watch the coke! Don't spill.
Husband: Are you going to keep saying that out loud until we get arrested?

Drunk guy to drunk friend, seeing approaching car: Hey! Watch out for death!