Overheard

College dude in enthusiastic conversation: I would totally be a cat-sniffer.

20-something dude to friend: Ma-fucking-rines! The Marines! Man, I'ma join up, be a Marine, and go all over the world, fuck, and have babies. I'ma get laid and have a baby in every country: Spain, France... even Pakistan!

Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size.

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer!

Man on phone: No! No! Do you hear me!? Listen! It's time to die!

Teenage boy, explaining why he joined the Air Force: We've been around since World War II. We fought against the Germans and sank several submarines. We also killed a whale, but that's not the point.

Catholic schoolgirl #1: I think I'm going to have sex with my boyfriend tonight.
Catholic schoolgirl #2: Well, you know... you can't use a condom.
Catholic schoolgirl #1: Really?
Catholic schoolgirl #2: Yeah... they taught us that in school, hello?!

Six-year-old girl, eating bagel: All of the fat from this is going to go straight to my ass!

Hobo to everyone on train: Stand clear the closing doors, ladies and gentlemen. Please watch the gap between the train and the platform. Walk over it, not in it. Your safety is my number one priority because: without you, I don't eat.

Drunk hobo to restaurant owner: Oh, man, I've missed you! You haven't cursed me out in forever!

Mom to kid playing on shopping cart: You'd better stop that, or you're going to fall and crack your head, and I'm going to laugh, cuz I told you so.

Waspy girl #1: My mom and I are in a huge fight right now.
Waspy girl #2: Really? That sucks.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, especially because to punish me she's taking me shopping.
Waspy girl #2: What?
Waspy girl #1: We go to all these stores and she makes me try on all these clothes while she makes comments about how fat I'm getting. And then she doesn't buy me anything because according to her I'm a whale.
Waspy girl #2: Wow.
Waspy girl #1: Yeah, I know. And people wonder why Wasps tend to be such alcoholics.

Heavyset guy: Hey, I don't mind telling you. I'm a psychopath. I don't give a fuck about people.
Woman in wheelchair-scooter: Mm-hmm. Oh, I know.
Heavyset guy: Yeah, I just I don't give a fuck. I'll be a psychopath till the day I die, and I don't even care. I'm not gonna lie about it.

Bus driver: Please keep your voices low when using your cell phones. Last week a woman refused to heed that advice, so I stranded her at the first rest stop. That was my mother

Young guy in deli to friend: So getting support from my parents is like dealing with a record label. You have to create a buzz, make it seem like you're doing something, or they don't want to be involved with you.

Professor: Fat people are often funny.

Girl: So, like my friend thought it would be funny to jump in a pool that didn't have water in it.

Girl, getting upset: Nothing fuckin registers in that head of yours. We have all this shit to deal with because you don't know what the fuck I say. You say you listen but you just don't register nothing. Like I'm speaking another language or some shit!
Loser boyfriend, looking at another girl:
So... what are you sayin'?

Old thug passing three fat chicks on their way to a club: Explosion of titties!

20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.

Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking.