Overhørt

50-something man to friends: Have you heard about Twitter? It's a new way of communicating in short text messages. Each message is called a twoo... No, a tween. No, a twain. No, a twat... No, that's certainly not it.

Unassuming hipster with group of girl friends: Sometimes I drink just so I can tweet drunk.

Gay #1: I'm just nervous about holding the baby.
Gay #2: Haven't you ever held a baby before?
Gay #1: Yes, but not babies that matter!

Dad: I won't tell mommy about the donut you're eating if you don't tell mommy about the cigarette I'm about to smoke.
Daughter: Okay.

Little kid to father: Can you let go of my hand for a little?
Father to kid, dead serious: Why, are you going to try to run away?
Little kid: Yes.

Eight-year-old with older man to cashier: He's not my father, he's my therapist.

Girlfriend: So, you want to make out?
Boyfriend: Both of us?
Girlfriend: Uh... yeah, generally that's how it works.

Calm woman: The thing about being a therapist is that, well, you're just a band-aid.

Young mother to others: Yeah, but you hafta be careful. You can't just hit your kids in public.

Lady with no teeth to bathroom attendant: I love your sparkly eyeshadow! The doctor who did my second abortion had the same eyeshadow!

Hipster girl to friends: I mean, I think it should be a choice. Like, I'm not pro-abortion. Actually, I am pro-abortion. I think we should all have been aborted. Our parents made the wrong choice.

Woman to army guy: I believe in the benefit of the doubt.
Army guy: I believe in doubting the benefit.

Girl on cell: So I'm getting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I'm like "Sarah?" and she's like "I haven't seen you since middle school!" and she cut all her hair off and she's like "When did you dye your hair black?" and my hair's soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this lady who was totally tossing chow all over the place! Hello! Trash can right there---hold up, I gotta go, I see a Weiner dog!

Eight-year-old girl to eight-year-old friend: You see, I love him, but I can't make that kind of commitment right now.

Girl to friends: I definitely think gay vomit would be the prettiest.

Mother: And that's why they're beautiful, cuz god made them. Everything god makes is beautiful.
Daughter, pointing to homeless man: Not that.

Male fashionista to stranger on bus: And she thought I was gay because I dress well and stuff. (to another passenger) Oh, is that moisturizer? Can I use some?

Loud-mouthed girl to friends: She says, "I've had sex with over 100 men." And so I says, "girl! You fourteen!"

Professor: Your favorite teacher from high school turned out to be a pedophile? Seriously? Well was he a real pedophile, or just a hooking-up-with-teenage-students kind of pedophile?

Blonde yelling on cell: I was not being a bitch or picking a fight! I was saying "I love you, and these are my concerns"!

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.

Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!

Unattractive fag hag: So we went out Friday and he slept over afterwards.
Gay male friend: I knew it!
Unattractive fag hag: Yeah, but then like, the next morning, I was in the other room and I overheard him talking on his cell phone and he was saying something about how I was a brown bagger. What does that mean, that it was in the bag? Like, I'm a slut?
Gay male friend: Uhhhh... something like that.